The Feline Journal
Feline Journal
January
January 2
One of the humans went to visit friends and family in Georgia over the Christmas holidays . He left some belongings at the hotel; can't recall the proper name of his lodging but is sure it will be easy enough to find. It's 'peach-something.'
Really? Peach-something? Atlanta?
January 3
The humans say they are going back to work tomorrow; Christmas (and the extended holiday vacation that goes with it) is over.
I believe that., but just barely.
January 4
When the humans leave in the morning, it’s just me and the dog, whose name is Danforth Jamison Wilberforce Dra--oh hell, that's too long; let's call him "Hoss." He has the big, oversized, lumbering qualities that are akin to Hoss Cartwright. No doubt, the actor had a lot more going on upstairs than this dog, who has the memory and attention span of a gnat. Let's see, roll over, sit and fetch have pretty much taxed the dog's abilities. Much more than that and the dog would probably have smoke coming out his ears when his gray matter melted down.
January 5
One of them is a lawyer.
If the facts are on your side, pound the facts.
If the law is on your side, pound the law.
If neither is, pound the table.
At least he mastered something besides drinking at law school.
January 6
A guy goes into a bar.
There’s a horse behind the counter.
The horse says, "Surprised to see me here?"
The guy replies, "Yeah, did the cow sell the place?"
January 7
No matter your religious practice, Christmas is over; time to take down the tree.
January 8
Let’s start a fight.
Think the NCAA Selection Committee will have a really wicked sense of humor and put Kentucky, Memphis, Minnesota, UTEP and Tulsa or Houston in the same regional bracket for ‘March Madness’?
Let’s all hide and watch on hidden camera, shall we?
Feline Journal
February
February 1
So, how are all those New Year’s resolutions going?
February 2
Groundhog Day. A rodent named Phil sees his shadow and inclement weather ensues.
With all the technology this world has produced, that’s the best they could come up with for weather forecasting?
February 3
I wish the human would take a good God damn look at herself in the mirror. Even Spandex has its limits. I don’t care if it is trendy, she looks like a beached whale in pastel colored Lycra.
They say a dog and its owner eventually begin to look alike. Poor guy.
February 4
It can’t always be fun and games.
Sometimes you are the windshield.
But at other times, you’re the bug.
February 5
If you’re def and phat, that’s okay. If you’re deaf and fat, you got problems. Problems, problems, problems....
February 6
If A=B and B=C, then A=C. Well, la de fuckin’ da. You must have taken Geometry in high school. So tell me, smart guy, if, in ‘e=mc2’, e=energy, m=[relativistic] mass, then why does ‘c’ stand for the speed of light in a vacuum?
February 7
I thought a commentator was an ordinary spud from Idaho [ya know, Idaho is just a government plot to sell potatoes; it’s also part of a punchline as to why there’s no “Miss Gay USA” (‘Nobody would be Miss Idaho’). But back to the plot: Have you ever traversed the state in broad daylight; have you for sure been to Idaho or were you simply told that after going through it at night, under the cover of darkness?]
Even further back, one who comments is a ‘commenter’ or ‘commentor’ ; so where’d that extra ‘ta’ come from?
Feline Journal
March
March 1
You kids get out o’ my yard!
March 2
“To me, there are three things we all should do every day. We should do this every day of our lives. Number one is laugh. You should laugh every day. Number two is think. You should spend some time in thought. And number three is, you should have your emotions moved to tears, could be happiness or joy. But think about it. If you laugh, you think, and you cry, that's a full day.” Jimmy Valvano (ESPY Award Address) 1993
March 3
I may be wrong but using a teenage girl that got knocked-up as the public face for abstinence might not be the best idea.
March 4
Well, God does move in mysterious ways.
I guess this more correctly falls under the question, "Why do good things happen to bad people?" Paris Hilton is only famous for being Paris Hilton (if you look up rich bitch in the dictionary, her picture is probably there). She is uncontrolled. She's a spoiled brat and Paris spends her famous family's money maintaining a ridiculously outlandish lifestyle--a genuine triple threat!
About her massive sentence of 45 days for probation violation of a DUI no contest plea and her 2007 jail time, a pouty Paris whined, "It's so unfair!" [Stop! You're breaking my heart.]
Well, Paris has her own television show (if you look up the term "that ain't right", her picture is probably there, too).
March 5
The password is...hypocrisy.
You can't preach family values if you don't value the family.
If anyone wants a course on what to do when owning up to extramarital affairs, just watch South Carolina's Republican governor Mark Sanford. His meltdown has become like a slow-motion train wreck. First, he disappeared. Then his staff said he'd gone hiking on the Appalachian Trail (Didn't his staff have access to a calendar? The weekend he went missing; that Sunday was 'Nude Hiking Day'). No, then they said he'd gone to Argentina. Then he'd gone to Argentina to meet his mistress. Lo and behold, he then told an Associated Press writer he'd had over a half dozen more affairs with women that weren't his wife and his Argentinean mistress was his soulmate". That last one you tell in confidence to a minister or priest; you don't blurt it out to an AP reporter! Someone early on should have told Sanford to shut the hell up. Probably the only person relieved by Sanford's implosion is Republican Senator John Ensign of Arizona. Ensign, a leader of Promise Keepers, called for Idaho Republican Senator Larry Craig's resignation after Craig's pleading guilty to soliciting sex in a Minneapolis airport men's bathroom. You remember "wide stance Larry" don't you? If you put together a timeline, at about the time Ensign was raking Craig over the coals, Ensign was having a dalliance of his own.
Mark Sanford and John Ensign join former Virginia Senator George Allen on the "macaca train" of political oblivion.; potential Republican presidential prospects that shot themselves in the foot.
(Woodrow Wilson) “Never attempt to murder a man who is committing suicide.”
The "D.C. Madam" prostitution scandal fallout took down Louisiana Republican Senator David Vitter and Bush administration Director of US Foreign Assistance and United States Agency for International Development Administrator Randall Tobias. Full-time GOP ass-kisser and "journalist" Jeff Gannon (James Guckert) was exposed as gay male prostitute ("Bulldog") in 2005. And who could forget Florida Republican Representative Mark Foley's gay sex/House page scandal in 2006?
The password is...hypocrisy.
(David Hall, the police chief of Harrison, New York, in October, 2008, then about Isiah Thomas’ family) These people should learn something from Richard Nixon - it’s not the crime, it’s the cover-up.
September of 1977 saw Rush Limbaugh marry Roxy Maxine McNeely only to see the marriage crumble in July of 1980. In 1983, Rush Limbaugh and Michelle Sixta married; that same year they divorced. Then Rush married Marta Fitzgerald at the much ballyhooed ceremony with Justice Clarence Thomas presiding only to see a split in December of 2004.
So much for all those sacred wedding vows.
Meanwhile, he found time to get hooked on 'Hillbilly Heroin' [OxyContin]. “Rush Limbaugh, a fat, draft-dodging, gutless, drug addict. Jacking his maid up, having her buy his dope for him… That fat son of bitch, I mean, can’t enough bad stuff happen to him.” Don Imus Imus in the Morning
Even with that magical 60 votes the Democrats enjoy in the Senate following Al Franken's certification in Minnesota, the Democrats will find a way to mess it up.
The password is...hypocrisy.
Hey, politicians, there's big ol' world outside the DC Beltway and it ain't on Wall Street.
Feline Journal
April
April 1
A rabid, drooling, ravenous outer-space creature dressed just like an elderly Korean grandmother ate the President of Harvard! APRIL FOOLS!!!
Hey, this is fun.
April 2
Why is the collegiate basketball tournament called ‘March Madness’ if it’s still going on?
Why are there eleven teams in the Big Ten Conference?
Why is Louisville, Kentucky in the Big East Conference?
Why were The Thompson Twins a trio?
Why was the group Hamilton, Joe, Frank and Reynolds just two guys?
Why, in the group, The Scissor Sisters, is one of ‘em a man?
These are all just tricky questions.
April 3
Avoid potential embarrassment; know the difference between hanged and hung.
[As well as 'I before E except after C'--that will cover you most times but what about weigh and neigh or the long A sound?]
April 4
All these chants of Drill, Baby, Drill. Wouldn’t that be like holding your trusty Smith-Corona aloft at the dawn of the computer age and chanting “Type, Baby, Type"?
Oh brave new world.
Feline Journal
May
May 1
Would one of you boys reach in the ice and get me a beer? I’m afraid I’ll lose a diamond.
May 2
I never watch ‘reality shows’. They’re just too blue collar for me.
May 3
The humans are deciding where to vacation this summer. The Riviera and Cancun and the islands are a bit warm. Maybe we should look at places a tad more Northern. I hear Glasgow and Reykjavik are nice.
May 4
Was that a Tomcat? See you later.
May 5
Cinco De Mayo. If you’re from Mexico, that’s supposed to mean something. May 5th doesn’t denote anything special in Virginia.
Feline Journal
June
June 1
Ah, all those blushing June brides [White dress. Who’s she kidding? She’s been in more hotel rooms than the Gideon bible. She’s seen more action than most hookers. Don’t worry about finding a mattress; she’s here. Should I keep going?].
Haven’t been this many big-haired women in one room since the late 1980s.
June 3
Said the mama squirrel to her rambunctious children:
“It’s all fun and games ‘til somebody loses a nut!”
June 4
Rehab is for quitters.
June 8
No taxation without representation!
Well with representation, it ain’t so damn hot either.
June 24
“Do you advocate the overthrow of the US government by force or violence?”
Darn! I thought you were supposed to pick one.
June 25
Michael Jackson passed away. You’d think something like that would be on the TV.
Ed McMahon then Farrah then Michael.
And yet, Latoya lives on.
Feline Journal
August
August 19
A greeting card quoted such luminaries as Immanuel Kant, Socrates, Fyodor Dostoevsky, Plato and Jean Paul Sartre with varying pithy sayings such as “You are as you do”, “To think is to do.”, “To do is to be” or "To be is to do" .
Then you open the card [pick your favorite];
"Yabba Dabba Doo!" Fred Flintstone
“Scooby Dooby Doo" Scooby Doo
“Dooby-dooby-do” Frank Sinatra
August 20
Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?
The modern-day inclination would be to follow that with a response containing some sort of direction, like, On the balcony.
Well, in Old [Elizabethan] English, ‘wherefore’ means the same as ‘why’.
So, go back but instead of using ‘wherefore’, substitute ‘why’ [you do the math].
Romeo, Romeo, why art thou Romeo?
On the balcony doesn’t make sense now, does it? (Unless you genuinely wonder why Romeo is on the porch’s top.)
August 21
The Jack Webb Acting Award--well, I think the name says it.
August 22
Have you ever seen an artist step back to admire her work? What if the artist is perched atop a twelve foot ladder? All you can do is watch her go.
Feline Journal
October
October 1
Oh, God; not again. Is there such a thing as doggy Alzheimer’s’? Every
day is a ‘brave new world’ for him.
October 8
Remember the Billy Joel song Just the Way You Are?
“Don’t go changin’ to try and please me...
I would not leave you in times of trouble...
I said ‘I love you’ and that’s forever...
I want you just the way you are.”
Then he divorced her.
October 13
There’s a commercial for low-fat Twinkies. Why bother?
October 14
“If you need a friend, get a dog” [but, trust me, you don’t want mine].
October 15
Midnight Madness. Celebration of the first day of pre-season college basketball practice. The University of Kentucky has a regular attendance of 24,000+ and that includes a whole bunch of folks who’ll camp out at the Rupp Arena box office waiting for tickets. That’s just nuts. I’ve seen a UK home game before. It’s kinda scary. Perhaps the only thing more unnerving were the thousands of fans packed into War Memorial Stadium in Little Rock at a University of Arkansas home football game “calling the hogs.” ”O-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-ooh! Pig! Sooie! Razorbacks!”
“The Bucket residence, the lady of the house speaking.” [Did you say bouquet or bucket?]
October 17
Guns don’t kill people, people do.
Well, the gun probably helps some doesn’t it? I suppose you might go up to somebody with a weak ticker and yell, “Kaboom!” and get some response; otherwise, you’re gonna need that gun.
The National Rifle Association thinks AK-47s should have unencumbered, easy access. But the Founding Fathers guaranteed gun ownership. Yeah, but the Founding Fathers only had single shot muskets, too. When’s the last time you used an AR15 to hunt quail? Good thing Dick Cheney didn’t have an Uzi when he shot Harry Wittington in the face.
Get real; the only thing you hunt with automatic assault rifles is other people. Or are Bambi and Thumper getting so uppity they need to be brought down in a hail of semi-automatic gunfire? Are there roving leather-clad, cigarette-smoking, cigar-chomping deer gang bully thugs that need to be taught a lesson? Have the chipmunks formed an unruly, menacing biker gang? Is Cock-Robin swooping down from the sky and harrying little kids? Maybe Henny-Penny, Turkey-Lurky or Goosey-Loosey have joined Chicken Little on an unholy tear. Perchance Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck are intimidating and threatening some cowering nuns. Possibly The Three Little Pigs have joined the Mafia and are knee-capping people. Mr. Peabody’s become a loan shark. Is the entire animal kingdom in insurrection? Is it that bad? I had no idea. Will it spawn a new infomercial, Animals Gone Wild? Around every corner lurks Tooter Turtle with a switchblade. Arm yourselves! A parakeet is now a worst nightmare. Help , Mr. Wizard!
In Tennessee, a state legislator wants to make it legal to carry a concealed weapon in restaurants and bars. Boy, there’s a winning mix: guns and booze. How many bartenders are going to cut a customer off if the bartender thinks the patron might be ‘packing’? Oh but anyone carrying a gun isn’t supposed to drink alcohol. Yeah, right. Glad to meet you. What perfect world are you from?
October 18
Sex, religion or politics? Pick your poison.
Any of those three topics will end up in the God-damnedest verbal free-for-all you’ve ever heard. Oh, sure, it will start out all nice, cheery and polite but somewhere along the line, it’s gonna degenerate into some name-calling, petty, hullabaloo. Don’t try it at home with your wife. Not if you plan on ever closing your eyes and going to bed. Guys, you think the discussion is over but she’s already planning ahead, “He’s gotta go to sleep sometime.”
October 19
There’s some contraption that’s on a table in the hallway and every time a bell rings, the humans make a bee-line for it. They’ll even drag themselves away from the dinner table or otherwise interrupt chores. Pavlov would have a field day with this thing. And here I sit without opposable thumbs. Rumor has it that it’s called a “Princess phone”.
Think I’ll just let that pass without comment.
October 22
Just what is this mythical auto insurance company in commercials that’s charging consumers 300, 400, 500 dollars more for coverage? And how in the world are they staying in business charging such exorbitant rates? Well, guess they only need half as many customers if they’re charging twice as much. If that Geico stack of money with eyes was stalking me, I’d whack it with a shovel.
Was a time, TV commercials were supposed to entice prospective customers to try a product. Now, big companies spend billions in advertising to see that consumers are driven away. When and why did that happen?
Who doesn’t hear, Hi, Billy Mays here or the singing pirate or some similar ‘Brute Force Cybernetics’ ad [create the need, then fill it] and immediately scramble for the remote to change the channel and get away from it?
And the plastic Burger King; if I woke up one morning to find that leering at me through the window or in the bed next to me, after I screamed but before I called 911, I’d try to kill or at least maim it. Now I have a new appreciation for the guy in The Godfather that woke up with a bloody horse’s head next to him.
And the ‘Rap King’? Or the Star Trek King? That’s one scary looking son of a bitch, bordering on the demonic. My last thought would be about food. I’d spend the next few hours trying to get that image out of my head. Whoever Burger King’s ad agency is, they must be good pitchmen ‘cause their finished product sucks out loud.
October 30
Cabbage night (Mischief Night). You’re too old for “Trick or Treat” but too young to be tried as an adult. This is the night for you!
The latest activities are toilet papering yards and buildings, powder-bombing and egging cars, people or houses, using soap or paraffin to write on windows, setting off fireworks, and smashing pumpkins and jack-o'-lanterns. Occasionally, though, the damage can include the more serious spray-painting of buildings and homes, and shooting people and things with paintball guns. Probably most remembered, Orson Welles offered the Mercury Theatre's The War of the Worlds (radio) on October 30, 1938.
Maybe Peter Pan had it right after all. Why did we ever decide to grow up?
October 31
Halloween. Finally, a holiday in which a cat figures prominently. About time. How many special days feature dogs? Excuse me? Speak up. That’s right. None. Even Christmas has donkeys and camels. So suck on it, Fido. Suck. On. It. Cats Rule, dude!
The name "Halloween" began as "All Hallows Eve." This became "All Hallow E'en," then "Hallowe'en," or Halloween. But does anybody care, I mean really? Most important, it involves lots and lots of free candy, disguises, kids and, best of all, cats.
C’mon Hallmark, you’ve made up a whole bunch of those oh-so important celebratory days already [Sweetest Day?]. How about one for those of us of the feline persuasion?
Feline Monthly
December
December 1
On TV, they announced cancellations because they predicted snow [no actual white stuff, just a glorified, definite “maybe”] When this town did get about ¾ an inch of snow, folks just freaked out. [Oh, south of the Mason-Dixon Line.]
They interviewed one driver.
“I don’t know what happened…I hit my brakes.”
Well, I think that says it all.
Bet there’s not a gallon of milk or loaf of bread left at Kroger’s.
December 4
Just making conversation…but if you were gonna eat a human body; where would you start?
December 6
Disco’s dead.
Somebody should tell the human. Or at the least supervise his “stereo time”. You definitely just haven’t lived ‘til you’ve heard Andrea True, The Silver Connection and Vickie Sue Robinson full-blast.
[Did folks really “dance” like that? "Y-M-C-A" I’ve seen pictures; the fashion was just lovely.]
December 22
Will this be the best Christmas ever? You just can’t imagine how little I care.
December 23
It’s called “Christmas Break” which means, so much as I can tell, they’re not going back to work anytime soon. Oh…all day and all night with the keepers of the keys. Be still my heart.
December 24
They’re watching the movie, It’s a Wonderful Life.
Oh, please, allow me to ruin it:
“Teacher says every time a bell rings, a drag queen goes straight to Hell.”
Tomorrow’s what they call “Christmas.” Wasn’t it what comedian Jeff Dunham referred to as “horrible” when discussing The Night Before Christmas? Let’s see: a morbidly obese elderly man with a red nose (an obvious drunk) piloting an unregistered, unlicensed vehicle commits Breaking and Entering through the fireplace so he’s covered with soot. And parents just can’t wait for this old, drunk, dirty, overweight man to meet their children. Dunham’s right; it’s an awful tale. And it’s also a pretty piss-poor choice of role models. Humans.
December 25
Today’s “the big day.” Wait! That present is labeled as if it were from me. First, I did no such thing and, second, I most certainly wouldn’t give that one a gift! Good God, they’re like drunks with a new bottle. We do get to eat, right? Maybe they’ll get all caught up in the holiday spirit and I’ll get something more than a bowl of dry kibble. You know, I’m a natural predator and I do like my bird, now.
December 26
The neighbors are all in a tizzy. Nobody told them you’re supposed to defrost the turkey before you deep-fry it. Suffice it to say, the bird exploded and set the house on fire. There’s a middle-aged woman yelling with conviction, “I called 911.” [She sounds like Bette Midler in Down and Out in Beverly Hills.]
That’ll sure put a damper on the frivolity of the season.
All those pretty red trucks against a snowy background and flashing lights. Except for the screeching sirens, this could be a Norman Rockwell moment.
The humans are going to visit family. That one’s parents are a laugh a minute. They’re just so old! You never know when they’re going to nod off—at the table, midsentence. They’re not still allowed to drive are they? Talk about schadenfreude.
Yeah, dinner with the folks. Those people don’t know if they’ve had a seven course meal or a soggy rice cake. Nobody asked me to go. No, that’s all right; I don’t mind staying behind; feel free to take the dog, though. Or at least, keep him the Hell away from me. Erin’s always quiet, anyway. My kind of guinea pig.
December 27
I think it’s fair to say I’ve reached “Christmas music overload.” I also think it’s been established that there’s no L in Christmas. Was so relieved that it’s really Hark! The Herald Angels Sing and not Hark! The Hare-lipped Angels [although an array of about 50 of the Heavenly host belting it out with a speech impediment could be good for a laugh]. But there’s one song I still don’t get. After listening to The Little Drummer Boy for, oh, I don’t know, about the 40th time, I thought,
“Forget the musicality of it and all that stuff. Just consider the story. It’s precisely what a new mother needs—a little kid with a drum set.”
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posted by woodrow @ 10:45 PM
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